Avert Your Eyes

Career Change

2012-02-01T17:13:00.000Z

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork. He was burned out. Hoping to try another career, where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam, with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result; but I wonder if there is an error in the score?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly; which was worth 50% of the total score. You put the engine back together again perfectly; which is also worth 50%, of the score." After a pause, the instructor added; "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did it all through the muffler; which I've never seen done in my entire career".

This Greeting has been Cleared by my Attorney

2011-12-21T17:26:00.002Z

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 22nd day of December two thousand and eleven.

Holiday Season Version 2011

2011-11-16T23:13:00.002Z

Oh the Holidays......

I know we all have the unique quirky family dynamic. Each one of us has stories to tell.

Instead of waxing poetic or nauseous, let me simply give you a snippet of an attempt of planning the Family Wicked's Thanksgiving:

(I phone my elderly parents on Monday November 15th)

Wicked H: Hi Mom and Dad, do we have any plans for Thanksgiving this year?

Mom: Oh, well Brain Surgeon told me it was at your house this year.

WH: Really? I hosted last year, let me check with her and I'll get back to you.

(e-mail to Brain Surgeon(BS)asking what if any plans there are for Thanksgiving right after the phone call with Mom)

BS: I got your e-mail, what is the plan? I am off for only Thanksgiving.

WH: Ok, well Mom said that you told her it was at my house this year.

BS: I DID NOT say that. In fact Thanksgiving never came up in our last conversation.

WH: I figured, maybe she was remembering last year. In any case, I vote we have it at Mom & Dad's house. She can make only the Turkey, we can bring all the rest.

BS: What about Maternal Countessa aka Medical Technologist Extraordinaire?

WH: I tell you what, let me call mom & Dad and make sure having it at their house is ok and then in order to end ANY miscommunication I will shoot everyone an e-mail. That way we all see the responses as they come through.

BS: Deal, talk at you later.

(I call and confirm with Mom & Dad that these plans are sound and send out the e-mail. Recipients include BS ( Older sister) and her husband, Medical Technologist Extraordinaire ( younger sister) and her husband as well as my parents.)

My phone rings 30 minutes later, it is Medical Technologist Extraordinaire MTE

MTE: Hi Wicked, I hear you are hosting Thanksgiving this year, I just talked to Mom.

WH: No, Mom is hosting. It will be at 4 pm, she is making the Turkey the rest of us who can come are bringing all else. I just sent an e-mail

MTE: Oh, well we are going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. I did not read the e-mail.

WH: No problem, if you could just reply to all then we can all be on the same page. BS and I will bring the rest of the food.

MTE: What are you bringing?????

WH: I don't know yet, nobody has answered the e-mail. But what does it matter, you won't be there you said.

MTE: What about Christmas?

WH: Well usually the married sisters do Christmas on the actual day and then we figure out the rest. Maybe Saturday will be good this year. Although you should just ask that question when you reply to all for the Thanksgiving e-mail. That way BS and her husband can let us all know if that is good for them.

MTE: I'll think about it.

Oy. Vey. Maria!

Here is hoping you and yours enjoy a pleasant holiday season.

For me, there are not enough grapes on the planet to keep up with the impending wine consumption.

Don’t Cry Wolf for Me Argentina

2011-08-18T22:49:00.003Z

I love my family with the heat of a thousand suns. We were raised to love, honor and respect one another.

My Mother is the eldest sibling, had plenty of love and attention growing up and to this day she is the most respected member of the entire family. This is not something you can learn, you either earn this standing in the family or you don’t. She wears it very well, she deserves it. She lives for it.

She also has an ugly character flaw she loves drama. Specifically the type of dramatic flair that Aesop would have envied while penning “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” perhaps he knew my Mother. I have never understood the crying wolf strategy. I mean why does she feel the need to bring it into play?

Both of my parents are elderly at this point and have watched younger family members and dear friends pass away. I understand that with each passing they gauge their mortality. Thankfully for their age they are healthy both mentally and physically. Of course there are changes as each year passes but we are so lucky to have functional parents. May the rest of their years on this planet be healthy, happy ones. Amen.

As she ages, my Mother’s drama spirals out of control. Today I called Mom from work just to check in. The Great White Retired Psychiatrist (my Father) answered the phone in a mood. This is not unusual for elderly parents. This is how our conversation went:

GWRP: We are trying to do the best we can…
Wicked: What’s going on Dad?
GWRP: Here, talk to your Mother. She will explain.
Drama Queen: (barely audible) Hello?
Wicked: Oh hi Mom, how are you?
DQ: (HEAVY SIGH)……….. (Followed by a short of breath) not good.
Wicked: What is wrong?
DQ: My legs are heavy (deep sigh) I am dizzy (sigh) I just don’t feel right. I am sure it will pass, if not know that I love you.
Wicked: Maybe you should call your doctor.
DQ: No, I don’t want to die in a hospital.
Wicked: Are you dying?
DQ: In case I do, just bury me somewhere.
(During this exchange, she was yelling orders to my Dad to put this there and that over there. She is hosting the weekly lunch with 2 of her closest friends one hour from this phone call)
Wicked: Maybe you should cancel the luncheon.
DQ: Just make sure my burial plot will have a nice view of a meadow.
Wicked: Sure thing Mom. I know Dad wants a cement bench and a plot near the cemetery’s restroom so his visitors won’t have to worry about emptying their bladder. Brain Surgeon wants a fountain. Do you have any special requests?
DQ: Just that you visit regularly.
Wicked: You got it!
DQ: (Heavy Sigh) Well…I need to finish my preparations.
Wicked: Ok, tell the ladies hello.
DQ: (perkily) I sure will – kisses…bye.

Maybe she does this so I can keep the internets amused?

16!!

2011-07-07T22:22:00.005Z

Lil Wicked, 16!

July 8th - OMG

It seems like only yesterday I was driving like a crazy woman up I-85 trying to get to the hospital before she was born.

For full disclosure purposes, she coined herself Lil Wicked and still does as far as I know. As my first niece I cannot express to you how proud I have been her entire life. I am sure to wave the proud Auntie flag well into the future. I know I am biased and perhaps they are growing them smarter these days, but this kid/young adult has an incredible knack for social problem solving. She shows more grace than 5adults combined. I have learned so much from her poise and attitude.

Does she have rough spots with her parental units? Of course she does, which one of us hasn’t? Some of us (ahem) still do.

On our last trip to NYC, our dear friend Frances who had met Lil Wicked for the first time said that she had magical story telling abilities. You do not want to argue with Frances because she is absolutely right. I am privileged to have such a fantastic person as my first niece who is speeding through life and allows me to take part.

I cannot wait to see how your life continues to unfold, Lil Wicked. You have made me a better person. I love you! Wishing you happiness, ALWAYS!!!!!

Schmucks R Us...Not!

2011-06-12T18:48:00.001Z

Do people actually fall for this?

FEDEX COURIER SERVICE,
EDO STATE,NIGERIA
WEST AFRICA.
12-06-2011

Dear Customer!
SHIPMENT CODE: CPEL/OWN/9856
PARCEL #: EG2272

You have a parcel contaning an ATM CARD worth Eight Hundred Thousand Dollars
[$800,000.00USD] with us at the FedEx delivery company. Your delivery
charges has been paid for. All you have to do is to re-confirm your
information with the correct mailing address and make a payment of
$210USD only [Two Hundred and Twenty Dollars Only] for the security
keeping fee of the said parcel.

For your information, the delivery Charges, Insurance premium and
Clearance Certificate Fee of the ATM CARD showing that it is not a Drug
Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country have all been
paid for. You have to contact the Dispatch Office now for the delivery of
your Draft with this information below:

Contact Person: Bryan Smith
Email Address: Email: bryansmith707@asus.hk
Telephone:+234 816 4075 882

Please reconfirm your details:

FULL NAMES:
TELEPHONE:
POSTAL ADDRESS:
STATE:
COUNTRY:

Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except
$210US Dollars as stipulated by the company. They would have paid that
but we said no because we don't know when you will contact us and in case
of any demurrage.
Finally, make sure that you re-confirm your Postal address(s) and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery.

Yours Faithfully,

Ms. Dora Williams,
Secretary.

References

2011-05-31T23:05:00.002Z

My soon to be 16 year old niece has given my name as a reference for her part time job at a church.

First of all, almost 16 – OMG!!!

Secondly, has she met me?

I called Lil Wicked to make sure I had my ducks in a row before returning the call to the humble servant of the Holy Something or Another Church. Our conversation went something like this:

Lil Wicked: Hey, whassup?

Wicked H: I have a very serious and important message from Louise of Holy Something or Another Church. You haven’t sent a complaint about me straight to the Pope, have you?

Lil Wicked: What?? No! She needs to know about me since I have been stacking and un stacking chairs every Sunday.

Wicked H: Haven’t you been doing this for a while?

Lil Wicked: Yes, not sure why she wants the reference now.

Wicked H: No problem, are there any topics off limits?

Lil Wicked: Like what?

Wicked H: Well, is it alright if I let Louise know what your stripper name is? I can fib and let her know that is strictly a strip club for Holy Rollers.

Lil Wicked: (uncontrolled snorting)

Wicked H: I’ll take that as a yes then. Good Luck on Finals!

That kid, she can count on me!

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T11:54:00.001Z

Music Heals the Soul and Adds Much Needed Humor

2011-03-06T13:50:00.003Z

Some of the 1960's Hits Are Being Revived! Some of you may remember a few of these old tunes!! These artists are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers and those of us who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Only in New York

2011-02-22T03:29:00.002Z

As we were exiting the performance of American Idiot, we noticed barricades being set up outside the theatre for the last showing of The Merchant of Venice. We were more than a little excited to be in the presence of the real Michael Corleone.

We stood vigil behind the barricades and security tape, cameras at the ready. A significant crowd was forming. After an hour of waiting one young voice in the crowd behind me asked her Mother why we were waiting. The youngster just did not understand,she proclaimed: "CAPPUCCINO? We can get that at Starbucks!!!"

Twenty minutes later, out came Al Pacino who signed dozens of autographs, ascended his ride and waved to the crowd blew us all a kiss and drove off to the wrap party. Hoo-ha!

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T00:08:00.001Z

May peace fill all the empty spaces around you
And in you, may contentment answer all your wishes.
May comfort be yours, warm and soft like a sigh.
And may the coming year
show you that every day is really a first day,
a new year.

Let abundance be your constant companion,
so that you have much to share.
May mirth be near you always,
like a lamp shining brightly
on the many paths you travel.
May you be true love.

-- Author Unknown

2010-12-24T00:00:00.000Z

(This one is a repeat by me but we are still in a recession!)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 24th day of December two thousand and ten.

Count the Blessings

2010-11-24T12:58:00.000Z

Life is too short. Enjoy your family. If you cannot do it honestly, it is my true belief that this is the exact reason alcohol was invented.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Happy Halloween to All, Wishing you a Good Fright!

2010-10-31T19:19:00.000Z

Who knew? I wasn’t too inspired for the work Halloween dress up deal, but I was a semi good sport and had a version of this on:

Not only did I win best costume but I have not been flirted with this much in forever. I cannot tell you how many men in the office and visiting the office asked if the strike would be over on Monday. The UPS guy was beside himself, he declared “why you gotta be on strike TODAY?”

The ole girl still has it! Shocking!

Have a safe and happy Halloween!

Save the Ta Ta's

2010-10-10T17:39:00.000Z

We’ve come a long way baby.

If the entire NFL can rock the pink during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the least the rest of us can do is be aware and stay healthy.

What we can do; yearly mammograms and monthly self breast exams. Ladies, teach your significant others how to examine your breasts. Might as well be both pro-active and have fun at least once a month.

Although I recommend as much fun per month as humanly possible, the breast exam only needs to be done once.

Use your imaginations. Instead of asking for an autograph from your favorite NFL player, ask for a breast exam. In the name of science, of course.

A New Year, a New Leaf

2010-10-04T00:00:00.001Z

I have fallen off the blogging wagon and have decided that I need to do better. I lost my inspiration due to some unforeseen circumstances and felt that if I wrote during those times it would be nothing but a whine fest. Certainly not in a humorous way; I spared you all. You are most welcome.

I feel better when I can share what is bouncing around in my head or life. Twitter is nice but my issues demand more than 140 characters. Join me while I kick my way through the fall leaves. One of my fondest memories as a kid, raking the leaves into a huge pile and then running full speed ahead and leaping right in.

Let the leaves fall and the words flow.

Happy 48th to me, the best is yet to come.

Wallows Accompanying Swallows in Capistrano

2010-07-11T19:23:00.000Z

This was not my first choice for the title but it was far more entertaining AND it rhymes. These days it is entirely about me changing my tude.

Yes, well about my attitude. It has taken me this long to understand that wallowing is not healthy or productive. I am perfecting the act of making boatloads of lemon aid. Perhaps a career in mixology should be in my future. Never say never maybe a part time gig.

All members of the family who are battling cancer are in the throes of their treatment, they are handling it as best they can. We offer support and encouragement and continue to pray for good news. It is all we can do.

Four members of the family have come over from the Motherland and we have a jam packed tour of the USA all scheduled. I do hope that they wanted every waking second of their trip planned. If not, we will learn to drop back and punt. We are so good at that as a family unit. If you believe that one, I have some ocean front property in Arizona I am happy to give away. Have your people call mine.

Due to work schedule constraints, I am only able to take the second leg of the USA tour. I will gladly take the team of seven to the Big Apple where we will see all the sights on the list. If there are any impromptu shopping excursions planned, I have already decided to duck into the nearest watering hole. I love my family but they love shopping and me, not so much.

Disney World & Universal Studios, if you could ease up on the humidity next week, it would be greatly appreciated. New York, gird your loins. The Family Wicked is on the way soon.

Rainbows and Freakin Unicorns

2010-05-31T22:12:00.002Z

Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain.

I am trying to change up the negative karma plaguing me and those I care for. I am running out of options my friends.

Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Sad Situation

2010-05-22T18:59:00.001Z

Things, good and bad, come in threes.

Normal daily activities of late have been more than overwhelming, therefore the flowing of creative juices has been stymied. By the end of this week, I realized that certain things are in my control and I really need to just get over myself. I won’t go into detail; it isn’t the reason for this post. I recognize that it is up to me to make lemonade.

In the span of 2 weeks, my family has received three separate and increasingly demoralizing bits of information. We have a very odd unspoken rule regarding not sharing bad news the second we learn of it. It depends on the situation however my excuse it to with hold the tidbit until all facts materialize and then release it to my inner circle. I have found that it is easier to deal all data when it is clearly displayed. What ifs definitely do not work in my family. Another reason to censor is to get hold of my initial reaction before I try to offer comfort to others. It may not be right, but it is how we collectively deal with life.

I wish I had the ability to step in and control the outcome of these three scenarios. Unfortunately, all I can do is be supportive, remain optimistic and pray. Along with things happening in groups of three they also seem to happen for a reason. I would give anything to know that reason and do everything in my power to make it all better. Right now.

Mantra: Pray, optimism and support. It's all I can do.

Soul Mates, Today is Their Birthday!

2010-04-17T16:05:00.001Z

Please join me in wishing both my Parents a very happy 80 something birthday. I believe we stopped counting after 80. We should all be so lucky to have our health after that age.

It had to have been destiny that brought my parents together. Same birthdays, day, month and year. Born in the same country but in different cities. If I am not mistaken, Mom may be a few hours older. It is rare, as are they.

I am blessed to have been raised by such a pair. They are a trip without luggage, in the best possible sense.

Here is to many more Mom & Dad. Wishing you happiness today and ALL days.

Hugs and Kisses Wicked and the rest of the Gang.

Happy Easter, Bawk Bawk

2010-04-01T21:58:00.002Z

(Sometimes life is stressful and you just need a giggle or belly laugh depending on your sense of humor. This one kept me giggling all day long. I wish the same for you)

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The
driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over
and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a
man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out
of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls
out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends
down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops
off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops
another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,”What is in that can?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the
label. It says . .

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punchline)

(You know your gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

… It says, “Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, adds
permanent wave.”

Smelly Rehearsing for Easter.....

2010-03-28T23:00:00.001Z

...I think the sunglasses are magical.

I predict many eggs filled with goodies in her future.

Two New Pets….

2010-03-11T18:01:00.001Z

Meet Schlemiel and Schlimazel. My window sill at work has become their resting place. Leave it to me to attract two of the ugliest Turkey Buzzards on the planet.

How’s everything with the rest of you?

The Natives, We are Restless

2010-02-17T00:02:00.001Z

I will have to admit, along with the majority of folks within my zip code, that the snow we have had this year is quite enough. It is unprecedented, all of it. It did not kill us, it made us stronger. We would like to vote NO for anymore this season. Thanks for asking.

This past weekend, I escaped to Currituck Sound, NC. My goal was twofold; 1) see landscape without any snow on it and 2) see the water so that I can de-charge. One out of two isn’t bad. I would have been more out of sorts had I not been able to see the Sound from my accommodations. It snowed there Saturday but luckily it was more of a dusting compared to the multiple inches/feet we experienced back home.

The long weekend was spent lounging, drinking and relaxing. At one point in our alcohol induced giddiness we decided that the “NO OLF” signs stood for No Overtly Luscious Females instead of No Outlying Landing Field. I decided I would go to a craft store and purchase many sheets of poster board and add a “G” to the OLF signs. I believe it would seriously damage all the snowbirds that flock down there to hit the links. We were restless, I warned you.

Now that I am in a re-charged state, this weekend Brain Surgeon and I are going to hop on a bus and get into a New York State of Mind. As it is our wont, our only schedule is where we are staying. Typically once we get there we strategize while in the TKTS line as to which shows will be viewing. Also, if I am not mistaken, restaurant week has been extended so we will of course try to fit in as many good eats as humanly possible. We will tip a cocktail or 4 with Frances of She Who Blogs. I am very much looking forward to that.

The only major decision left to make is which ingredients to fill the martini back pack. Start spreading the news, we will be there Friday!

Snowpocolypse 2010

2010-02-05T12:47:00.002Z

02/08/10: We are now expecting an additional 5 - 12inches of snow on top of this. My liver is ready for the continuation fo the game, my arms and back not ready for more shoveling. Drink up party people.

A majority of the East Coast is expecting record breaking snow starting today and all day Saturday. I am a snow lover right up until I have to begin the process of digging out. Oh well, I must take the good with the bad.

They are forecasting two feet of the white stuff, impressive. I decided I can handle this situation one of two ways. I can panic like the rest of the population and drain the stores of all supplies and wring my hands endlessly. I have decided to go another route, since my home is sufficiently stocked, I own a shovel and most importantly the liquor cabinet is always at full inventory. Therefore, I am going to start a drinking game, I will take a shot for each inch of snow that falls.

By the end of the storm, I won’t care how much shoveling there is ahead of me.

Drink and dig out safely – Cheers!

News: Rinse, Lather, Repeat

2010-01-28T00:46:00.001Z

I visited my family abroad this past fall. After not having been there for 20 years, we created a laundry list of memories. All of which I will cherish and some I have already shared. It is time for the next installment.

I spent a week with my Mother’s siblings all gathered together in one location. Their ages range from 68 to 84. My Uncle a retired dentist would be the first to rise and leave the house to gather fresh bread for breakfast and probably every newspaper printed in the town. He would return with at least eight different publications.

We would enjoy our breakfast while the television was on always set to a news channel. Their daily itinerary went something like this:

9 am: Hearty breakfast with the entire family, television on.

10 am: The youngsters would clean up the kitchen; the elders would retire to the family room each with a publication, television still on.

11:45 am: A few of the elders would go down for a nap.

12:45pm: Lunch, accompanied by a spirited recollection of the major headlines of each publication, television news on.

4:00 pm Tea time on the balcony, no television. Instead, each sibling would report a headline as though it was breaking news. Those paying attention would listen intently.

7:30 pm Multi course dinner with television on and discourse on all the days’ news.

By about day 2, I was bored with the news. I was on vacation, didn’t care what was going on in the world. However, I did not want to offend my Aunts and Uncles so I paid attention to one of the many news related television shows only to find that 2 gentlemen were actually holding up each of the 8 publications that were rotating through our family room. They were reading the news to the viewers. What a concept? Perhaps it was a service for those who may be homebound or maybe for the illiterate. I made the mistake of asking my Uncle why he bothered buying the papers since all of them watched this program in addition to reading the papers. He told me that was the only way they could all be entertained en mass. He also told me to keep my revelation to myself.

Basically, if it aint broke, don’t’ fix it. You have to love the crazy family. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Dear 2010

2010-01-13T00:12:00.002Z

I had all these aspirations for a brand spanking new decade, things were untried, fresh, blah blah. You have disappointed me and a few others 2010.

Seriously, if this is any indication how this year is going to pan out, I am screwed! I started out my mantra for the new year with Rainbows & Unicorns. That's right, cynical Wicked H thought by thinking warm and fuzzy thoughts, things would find a way to work themselves out.

Wrong!

Let me tell you 2010. It will take more than a Chica who doesn't utter a word of Espanol among other things to bring me down. While we are at it, lay off the rest of my family 2010. The tenant who vacated BS's premises in a very ugly way will not bring her down either. We are stronger than that. You heard me.

Bring it 2010, we are mightier than you my strapping decade.

Change in mantra....VODKA & WINE.

Hiccups and Kisses!

A Toast....

2009-12-31T21:29:00.002Z

Here’s to the new year...
May it bring more joy and success
And less grief and regret.

To our dreams...
May we never stop believing in them
And taking the actions that will make them a reality.

To our friends, loved ones, associates (or colleagues)...
May we take the time to let them know
How much it means to us
To have them in our lives.

Let us encourage more and criticize less,
Give more and need less.
And whenever we can,
Let us create harmony and peace.

To new beginnings...
Let us start fresh, right now,
To make this the very best year ever.

A very Happy New Year to all of us!

J. Fuchs

This Greeting Has Been Cleared by my Attorney

2009-12-22T12:05:00.001Z

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 22nd day of December two thousand and nine.

When the Going Gets Tough.....

2009-12-19T19:50:00.002Z

....I whip out the martini shaker.

Welcome to the Snowpocolypse of 2009. First round is on me.

Looks like Christmas will be white!

Cheers.

Holiday Humor

2009-12-17T15:39:00.003Z

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells. "Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Newfie replied, "These are Carols."

I Am An Aunt x 3

2009-12-13T15:30:00.002Z

Cigars for everyone!

Behold, Tantrum Tilly and her new sister.

Reactionary Tantrums

2009-12-09T17:01:00.001Z

Staring this Friday, I will be spending quality bonding time with my currently youngest niece. Soon to be an older sister, she is having a bit of an adjustment reaction to the arrival of her younger sibling.

Tantrum Tilly, as we will call her for these purposes, is in store for nonstop craft action while in my care. My bag of tricks may last all of twenty minutes. She is too young to motivate positively by reminding her that the big fat guy in the red suit is making lists and checking them twice.

So I ask you, ole wise Interwebs, how shall I distract and or amuse Tilly for 3 days.

Any and all ideas are most welcome.

Creative Holiday Carolling

2009-12-06T18:53:00.004Z

I haven't done the research. Don't ask me which group this is, I am simply paying it forward.

All I know is that after years of performing this tune, I am thoroughly impressed by this rendition.

Allow me to pass on the Silent Monks. Enjoy!

Holiday Survival Guide - Lower Your Expectations

2009-11-23T21:58:00.003Z

We had our Thanksgiving meal early this year. I was all ready to sit down and write a post about how disappointed I was with our gathering, then my guilt kicked in. Instead, I have decided that from now on, I am not going to expect the perfect Norman Rockwell-ish results. I am a pessimist by nature; I feel that I can always be pleasantly surprised.

I am not going to whine about the fact that my Mom accidentally popped an Ambien instead of her blood pressure medication right before I arrived. I won’t grumble about how I had to clean Mom’s kitchen before I could even think about setting out the food me and my siblings brought for dinner. I refuse to attack my Dad’s character because we had to debate the functionality (or lack thereof) of their electrical system before he would let me plug in a power strip needed for the warming plates and crock pots soon to arrive. I can’t explain to you the number of times my Mom asked me which platters she should bring out for all the food. I don’t think she understood that we were to serve ourselves warm food for a change. Our typical is cold food served out of impeccable silver platters. I have given up even trying to figure out how my youngest sibling is such a Princess that she cannot even be bothered to take her own dish to the kitchen.

It’s not worth it.

My Parents are elderly, I need to understand what that means. I need to forgive their transgressions. I commit to stop stressing about family gatherings. Rather, I will from this moment on suggest that any future caucuses happen in a restaurant setting. We function well in a confined space and predetermined time frame.

Life is too short. Enjoy your family. If you cannot do it honestly, it is my true belief that this is the exact reason alcohol or (in my Mom’s case) pharmaceuticals were invented.

Happy 2009 Holiday Season!

Hot Flash

2009-11-18T23:49:00.002Z

The beginning of my trip was most intriguing. I had not visited Istanbul in over twenty years. I had nothing but excitement flowing through my system. My flights to Istanbul were uneventful. Other than being exhausted from flying, waiting and arriving I was perfectly fine. I was ready for my three week family reunion.

Once I landed, I shut my brain off to English. My flight landed with six other airlines so the passport line was rather crowded. While waiting and snaking my way through the line I was cognizant of the voice in the background. It was in English and the woman kept repeating “Ma’am, ma’am, excuse me.” Since I speak the native language, I was sure this voice was not directed at me. Soon after that thought, the voice was now tapping me on the shoulder. I turned around to see the woman who was sporting a surgical mask asking me to follow her. I replied in English and asked her if she was talking to me, she nodded.

I followed her out of the passport line and towards what was labeled the first aid desk. There I was greeted with two more women also wearing surgical masks and gloves. I regained my senses and asked them in Turkish why I was summoned.

Wicked H: What seems to be the problem?

First Aid Attendant (FAA): Ma’am, you look very ill!

Wicked H: I do?

FAA: You look as though you have a high fever, you must sit down.

Wicked H: Oh! Oh, no. I am not ill, I am having a hot flash.

FAA: I doubt it. You may have Swine Flu!

Wicked H: What? I promise you that I don’t.

FAA: (a thermometer has now been placed in my ear)

Wicked H: Seriously, menopause. Am I saying the word correctly? That is the reason my face is so red.

FAA: (my temperature is 37.5 C)

Wicked H: (having been raised in the states and being jet lagged, I have no idea if 37.5 is good or not - trying not to appear panicked) Look I am 47 and it is quite warm in this building, I am simply having a hot flash. You must believe me.

Needless to say, I begged them to let me through. Turns out 37.5 is very close to normal. Thank goodness. On the plus side by the time I made it out to the luggage carousel, my two bags were the only ones left. My poor cousin was trying to get an official to check on me as I dragged myself into the terminal. It was a wonderful reunion.

More to come soon....

Appointments Not Necessarily Honored

2009-11-15T20:03:00.002Z

I followed all the rules by making an appointment to pick up a rental car once I handed my vehicle over to be repaired; my appointment was for 9:30 am. When I arrived at the repair shop, I realized that Monday mornings was their busiest day of the week. Imagine my dismay when I entered the waiting room to find 12 others dealing with vehicle woes. No worries. I figured since it was apparent that many of the other patrons were walk ins and I had an appointment, surely I would be served first. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I patiently waited for two other rental customers to be processes and then the Diva with a Tude was being helped. Like the rest of us, Diva was none too pleased to be there. Who knows how her vehicle was damaged, does it really matter? Diva was being processed regularly until they asked her what type of vehicle she wanted to rent. She replied that she would need to see them as she was unfamiliar with makes and models. The rental car agent must have recently attended a training session in customer service because she made every effort to please the Diva. After a parade of six vehicles, each one needing to be washed and vacuumed before Diva could inspect and then reject them, I snapped.

An entire hour had lapsed and I could no longer sit patiently while the Diva needed to see the entire fleet of cars. I stood up and approached the rental car podium:

Wicked H: What was the purpose of my making an appointment?

Rental Car Agent (RCA): We will be with you as soon as we can.

Wicked H: I have a better idea; why not give me one of the Diva’s 6 rejects. In fact, you all could serve me and the next 5 customers in the time it will take the Diva to make up her mind.

RCA: (Flustered, not knowing how to respond to me – deer in headlights look)

Wicked H: Did this woman have an appointment?

Diva: (hand on hip, ready to make a dangerous comment)

RCA #2: (appearing from thin air) Ms. Wicked, your vehicle is ready. Please step outside with me so we can do a quick inspection.

Luckily RCA #2 was on her game, she brought all my prepared paperwork outside and while I was comfortable seated in my rental car I completed the signatures and was on my way.

For all I know, Diva with a Tude is still trying to decide what vehicle will suit her needs. Gah!

Veterans Day

2009-11-11T10:57:00.000Z

Our veterans were more than soldiers. They were, and still are heroes.

Veterans Day
By Taylor Weinman

Representing the red white and blue
The colors of our flag stand out proud and true.

The white stars on blue background with red and white stripes
Remind me of these veterans, who all risked their lives.

Just so the people of the U.S. could all live in peace and be free
These are the heroes that represent you and me.

They stood up strongly, united as one,
And kept up the fighting until they were done.

And although some have fallen, and lost their lives in war,
We pray for each one of them.

And now that their souls live on forever more,
Above in God's hands.

They watch over our nation,
And give us strength to triumph over others with strong anticipation.

So every year, when this day comes by,
Think of all the veterans that while fighting, had to die.

And remember that they were people
With fire and passion embedded inside.

They die for this country,
So remember and honor them with pride.

When You Wish Upon a Star

2009-11-02T15:56:00.001Z

While on my trip to Istanbul, I was shopping for souvenirs. Because of all the tourists, most of the shop keepers can greet their customers in several languages. This particular shop keeper greeted me in English. I went about my business picking out my treasures and when it was time to settle up I spoke to him in Turkish. Our conversation went something like this:

Wicked H: How much are the real prices?

Shop Keeper (SK): Oh? I thought you were a tourist, for you I’ll of course lower the prices.

Wicked H: Technically I am a tourist but my roots are here.

SK: Really? Is your spouse a Turk as well?

Wicked H: Not married.

SK: Well in that case may I make a proposal? I am 35 and ready to start a family. When will we be leaving for America?

Wicked H: Really? Well first of all I am too old to make babies. Also, if we do get married, I prefer to stay here.

SK: Oh….in that case, please accept this starfish as a gift. You know something to remember me by.

Wicked H: your generosity will not be forgotten. You are indeed very kind.

I am not sure but I may be engaged.

How Can You Miss Me If I Don't Go Away?

2009-10-08T22:31:00.002Z

Well kids, I am officially on vacation. I am off to the city on 2 continents.

I'll be away for a while. I am counting on each of you to behave yourselves in my absence. If you can't behave then do something worth sharing upon my return.

Ciao!

47! Ah, ah, ah.....

2009-10-04T00:36:00.002Z

For the first time in 47 years, I am giving myself a very nice present.

I will be leaving on a jet plane very soon for three weeks. 1..2..3, ah, ah, ahhhhhhhhh.

It’s no fun to come outright and tell you, so I will continue my birthday fun by making you guess. Please no wagering. Vote early and often. Ready?

I will be visiting the only city in the world which lies on 2 continents.

I have a couple birthday wishes 1) a non-chatty seat mate and 2) no screaming babies on my flight. Oh and if it isn't too much trouble a magical immunity to the swine flu and of course, world peace.

Happy Birthday to me!

Brain Surgeon

2009-09-27T00:32:00.002Z

Double nickels is simply the new 30 with 25 years experience.

Also, the Centers for Disease Control says that if you were born before 1956 you will likely have previously developed an immunity to the swine flu. I am here to point out any and all silver linings. You can thank me later.

Today is my sister the Brain Surgeon's birthday. Please join me in wishing her happiness today and ALL days.

Happy Birthday Sis! Let the hot flashes die down and the fun times roll!

Mwah!

Unexpected Demolition

2009-09-22T20:04:00.002Z

Can't a girl just lean on the wall of her shower without all hell and tiles breaking loose?

Apparently not.

This is what I was confronted with at O-dark-thirty this very morning.

Not the best way to start the day. On the plus side, I found out rather quickly that my adrenal glands are in proper working order. No caffeine was needed to jump start this day. On the negative side, this annihilation could not have come at a worse time.

I might have to pull a Scarlett O’Hara; “Fiddle- dee-dee.” Calgon take me away? Not in this mess.

Thank goodness I have another functional shower

As the Stomach Turns

2009-09-16T15:55:00.001Z

We have 3 family birthdays and a wedding anniversary that are within 10 days of each other: BIL #2, BS, mine and my parent’s wedding anniversary. This year the Rents are out of the country visiting the homeland so we won’t be making arrangements around their schedule. Birth order plays heavily in my family, it gives us structure. Although all of us are adults, we should be used to it by now.

My younger sister, Professor Countessa (PC) is very much into scheduling every second of her day. Me not so much, I am more a go with the flow kind of gal. My older sister, Brain Surgeon (BS), works the hardest and with the weirdest schedule. Her time off is precious so also not very much into scheduling her free time way in advance.

This brings me to an exhaustive round of emails that took place earlier this week. PC sent out an e-mail asking the group where and when we’d like to schedule the group birthday dinner. Again, knowing that we usually have to schedule these things around BS’s schedule, I waited to answer until I saw her response. Because PC needs instant gratification, she over utilizes the e-mail function to a point where we start ignoring all of it. This year was no different.

The long and short of it was that after we figured out when BS was available, we were asked via e-mail where we’d like to go? I answered first picking a destination equidistant to all involved. BS picked a location furthest away from the majority of the group. When I read her choice, I was shocked because her husband BIL#1 doesn’t usually like to travel more than 10 miles away from his own zip code.

PC then took all the information, and chose the location that SHE wanted the most. When she relayed the info she stated that since BS was the eldest, we were going to defer to her choice. PC then wrote one more e-mail choosing a time that suited her needs letting us know that she would take one for the team and make the reservation. Not to be outdone, BIL#1 voiced his objection to the time and BS responded by stating that the reservation needed to be made for an hour earlier than PC chose.

Soap opera scripts have less twists and turns.

Pointless Drivel

2009-09-10T22:46:00.000Z

Gah!

The short work weeks are painful. Add to them the useless meeting, torture.

Friday afternoon cannot get here quick enough.

So, how’s life with all of you?

Labor Day

2009-09-07T00:00:00.000Z

No work today, unless you are in the hospitality or retail business. Definitely no school today but be prepared for the onslaught of extra traffic the next day and throughout the school year. The last day of white to be worn although there are many offenders, we should start a whole twitter page to list any offenses. Also the symbolic last day of summer, go to the pool, have a picnic or cookout.

My hope for this coming year is that next Labor Day our unemployment rate won’t be as high so that more of us can understand the true meaning behind the holiday. In these times it seems bitter sweet.

Strange Encounter in the Loo

2009-08-17T18:24:00.002Z

The building I work in houses many professional businesses. Many of which are medical facilities, the whole realm from basic medical to specialty dental.

While in the public restroom for our floor, I encountered a bratty display of hilarity.

Brat with Impending Dental Appointment (BWIDA): (Whining to her Mother) You ALWAYS make me brush before the dentist, I hate it!
Mother: Oh honey, it won’t kill you. You brush while I use the facilities.
BWIDA: (Heavy sigh) Fine!

I am now out of the stall and washing my hands, BWIDA at the sink next to me. She is brushing her index finger vigorously while I am washing my hands, casting glances at me to see if I will give her up.

Mother: Are you doing a really good job?
BWIDA: Oh yes! I am all done.

I am drying my hands as the Mother comes out of the stall to see her newly “brushed” precious daughter happily sucking down a milkshake.

Mother: What was the purpose of brushing your teeth if you are going to drink the milkshake? You’ll have to do it again!

Poor Bratty McBrat Brat…..

Wanted – Acting Lessons

2009-08-11T17:14:00.002Z

It must just be me.

Could I possibly be the only woman on the planet who does not enjoy any type of shower? Wedding, Baby - none of it.

When the genes for shower adoration were being passed out, I must have been in the extra sarcasm line. It’s not that I am jealous or dislike the shower recipient; I just don’t have the warm and fuzzy feeling while each gift is being opened.

Here, I will practice the typical reactions heard during the gift reveal:
1) Oooooooo
2) Ahhhhhh
3) Awwwww
4) That would look perfect on the baby/in your new home/on your wedding night.

Good, right? Help me. Have I missed any of the key audible responses? I need you!

Perhaps a dose of insulin is indicated. You know for all the sweetness.

Wish me luck!

You Know Things are not Going Well…..

2009-08-06T11:55:00.000Z

…..when your car gets towed from the Employee of the Month parking spot.

Unfortunately, I came upon it as the car was being hooked up to the rig. I am not quite sure if the car in fact belonged to the employee of the month or if someone parked there in error.

If it was the former, that is one hell of a way to find out you are no longer employed. If it was the latter, the guy got exactly what he deserved.

Discuss.

Mood Enhancer

2009-07-14T16:43:00.002Z

I find this photo makes me smile. It has been one of those days.

If it works for you also, then you are most welcome.

Card Carrying Teenager

2009-07-08T00:00:00.000Z

It’s official, Lil Wicked is a teenager. We have survived tweendom and are moving full throttle into sophistication. I knew we’d hit the milestone when she asked me to help pack up all her beanie babies, gone all of them. Oh Boy!

I wasn’t too sure about the whole Auntie thing fourteen years ago. I am extremely happy to report that Lil Wicked has been a real joy, the best first niece EVER!! Who else would put up and enjoy (for the most part) the antics of this Aunt? Lil Wicked, that’s who. I have enjoyed the young woman she has developed into and cannot wait to see what the future brings.

Join me in wishing Lil Wicked a very Happy Birthday!

Let Freedom Ring!

2009-07-04T12:33:00.000Z

Happy 233rd Birthday America!

You all have a safe and Happy 4th!

Dear Mr. Overzealous Supplier:

2009-06-29T18:02:00.002Z

I know that I generate copious amounts of reports each work day and your bailiwick is to anticipate my toner needs. However, in case you have not noticed, I do not appreciate you popping in every other day to inquire about my toner supply. Even I cannot kill that many trees as well as cloud the atmosphere with toner dust.

While I am ranting, may I suggest that if you stayed in your storefront it would greatly eliminate your ability to whine about how little time you have each day? We have Alexander Graham Bell to thank for the invention of the telephone. If I need toner on an urgent basis, how about I simply dial your digits; you have heard of Mr. Bell’s accomplishments, right?

In closing, please stop bothering me. If this is a ploy to flirt with me, I am not interested in married men. If this is simply your selling style, let this be my way of letting you know that from now on, Staples.com has just become my BFF.

Thank you to the following gentleman Kleinrock, Licklider, Roberts, Kahn, Cerf as well as Ms. Perlman for their contributions for inventing the internet! You may want to read up on them also.

Hugs & Kisses - Wicked

The Current State of Healthcare

2009-06-25T20:58:00.005Z

This is one of many amusements I encounter on a daily basis, enjoy!

Staff Member #1: (sending global e-mail to all) Here’s your afternoon funny: A patient told us she would pay after she was seen. Before she left, the receptionist asked for her copay and she said she had to go to her car to get her wallet. The receptionist asked me if that was okay and I told her the patient had to sign the deferred copay form because once she reached her car she would be gone. When the patient was told this, she opted to leave her children in the office as collateral.

I think I need to call my mom and thank her for never using me as a loan.

E-mail Responder #1: Did she come back????

E-mail Responder #2: I have 4 kids – could I drop them off there sometime too?

If I could make this stuff up, I wouldn’t be writing for free.

Pre-Emptive Strike, Three and You’re Out

2009-06-12T17:41:00.000Z

Thankfully, I don’t have to attend many meetings at work. Fortunately I fly under the radar in that arena. Trust me I have plenty to do; meetings would only hamper my progress.

I am required to attend an alleged quarterly meeting which now has morphed into an odd schedule. Regardless, the debates and subsequent platitudes that get launched is nothing less than comical. Even more hilarious, all but 2 people in the meeting understand where the conversation turns when the incorrect clichés are used. When eye contact ends and frantic doodling or shuffling of documents takes over, it’s a good guess that many in the room are completely lost; and they pay me to attend.

To put the nail in their own coffins, those out in the ether will intertwine the triteness into a follow up e-mail once they’ve returned to their office. Seriously, I should be paying them.

This has to be why flasks were invented. Hiccup!

Stating the Obvious

2009-06-09T00:11:00.003Z

I returned home to find half of my tree laying in my front yard. I was away for the weekend and while gone, my pear tree was hit by lightning. Thankfully, the huge limb fell directly into my yard without injuring any property or individuals. It simply fell on the grass without malice waiting to be removed. No harm or foul to anyone else.

After spending a couple of nights away from home, I was eager to crawl into my own bed, watch the Tony’s and drift off to sleep. My plan was working until my doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone and since it was 9 pm I decided to ignore it. The bell rang two more times followed by incessant knocking. Whoever was at my door was not going away. I made myself presentable and answered the door.

Wicked H: (Opening only the main door, my storm door is always locked) May I help you?

Man with Dog: Hey, did you know your tree fell?

Wicked H: No? Seriously? What is it that you want?

Man with Dog: Just letting you know the tree fell.

Wicked H: Do you often knock on doors of total strangers at this hour?

Man with Dog: Well, I saw the tree and thought you should know.

Wicked H: It’s a bit hard to miss, but thanks all the same. If there is nothing else, I bid you farewell.

I locked the door and got ready for bed, again. Of course it took me quite a while to unwind. I have to admit that when I heard the insistence of the knock, I figured there might be a fire in the vicinity and a kind soul was alerting me to that fact. Instead I get a botanical report from what I guess is either a nosy neighbor or someone casing the joint. The whole scenario would have made sense if the tree was blocking the man’s efforts to walk his dog or the tree was laying on his property or vehicle. None of these was the case.

All I wanted was a peaceful end to my weekend. Instead I get Gladys’ husband and their dog.

Time Flies

2009-06-02T00:00:00.000Z

It seems like just yesterday that I got the call BS was going in for an emergency cesarean section. I was in North Carolina and she in Maryland. By the time I traversed I-85, the Beltway and pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, Little Wicked was hours old.

Today is her graduation from Middle School; which means in September she’ll be attending High School. How is this possible?

I just finished watching the monthly VHS videos sent to me so I wouldn’t miss her hilarious toddler antics. I will not soon forget the first time she sought my advice via phone. She had gotten into trouble as a 4-year old. She was upset because she made a “misnake.” I tried not to laugh, but what are Aunts for? The next thing you know we are at the Naval Academy swimming pool cheering her on. Hopefully she wasn’t too embarrassed. The way we were carrying on, you’d a thought she was competing in the Olympics. Only last year we sent her off to Fiji, New Zealand and Australia as an Ambassador for the People to People program.

Lil Wicked, I cannot wait to see how you continue to turn into this fantastic human being. I am sure that all the mischievous traits you have inherited from Aunt Wicked. Keep in mind that it takes brains to be precarious.

I am so very proud of you today and ALL days. Happy graduation!!!

Ring Around the Hallway

2009-05-28T11:35:00.002Z

I work in an office building with the standard layout; the elevator is in the center of the hallway forming a square column. It’s a five story building with perhaps six to ten suites on each floor depending on the size of the business.

I have twelve suitemates and lately they’ve been grumbling about the goings on in the hallway. You see the restrooms flank the elevator one on either side. It appears that there a couple of women of Asian descent who circle the hallway three times a day. You can set your clock by their walks. Militant strollers we have coined them.

Generally how one wants to stretch their legs on any given day should not be an issue. However, these women who are small in stature walk side by side which would also not be odd except that they are on their cell phones chatting up a storm. It has been determined by my suitemates that one may be conversing in Mandarin and the other Vietnamese. (Apparently, I work with linguists, who knew?) The point is this; they are so engrossed with their conversations that they are unaware of the traffic jam they create. They move rather swiftly on their rounds however if you encounter them at the entrance of the restroom they do not yield the right of way. This is causing great discord for the entire floor.

Once while waiting for the elevator they passed me ten times. I’ve watched the group of engineers also with offices on the floor try to suggest that they walk single file to no avail. I have decided that this is their way of retaliating against perhaps a smoker who gets a few breathing treatments in per day. Others in my office are dying to know why they simply do not exercise outdoors. For some reason we are reluctant to ask. Perhaps it is because none of us speaks either Mandarin or Vietnamese.

The quandaries of life such as they are, I have altered my restroom times. I don’t have the energy to dance with the militant strollers. Suggestions anyone?

The Greatest Casualty is Being Forgotten

2009-05-24T12:40:00.002Z

Freedom Is Not Free

I watched the flag pass by one day.
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease.
I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
He'd stand out in a crowd.
I thought how many men like him
had fallen through the years.
How many had died on foreign soil?
How many mothers' tears?
How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?
No, freedom is not free.

I heard the sound of Taps one night,
when everything was still
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.
I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant "Amen"
When a flag had draped a coffin
Of brother or a friend.
I thought of all the children,
Of mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
with interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington...
No, freedom is not free.

Author Unknown

Forgive Me Blogosphere...

2009-05-20T21:42:00.002Z

...It has been two weeks since my last post. What can I say, the weather definitely affected my mood? I could serve penance. Instead I’ll give you a brief recap of life in the land of Wicked.

* Recently, The Troll appeared in our office. Fortunately for her, our receptionist had not a clue as to her identity. I am sure her balloon was deflated but don’t you worry, she’ll be back to visit.

* I have learned of the passing of a treasured Uncle of very close friends of our Family. When they hurt, we hurt. “P” my heart is heavy for you and the entire family - hugs.

* Also, a work friend is watching her young daughter slowly pass before her eyes. The fact that the whole scenario is happening and that I can do nothing to ease her pain, breaks my heart.

* Pet Whisperer and Fly Boy are making progress on the retirement home. I am well aware that I may have to bail them each out for committing felonies against the builder and his wife, the decorator. On the upside, once the waterfront castle is built, I have my own master suite. Yay!

* Google, Little Wicked’s golden doodle, committed rabitcide. He thought it was a play toy wandering in his yard and it met an untimely death. Google reported that the rascally rabbit tasted more like chicken.

* Little Wicked is graduating from Middle School and on her way to High School. OMG!

There you have it, some ups and downs. Instead of reciting Hail Mary’s I am going to whip up a batch of martinis and hope the bad things come to an end soon.

How’ve you all been?

Wanted: Crew to Help Build Ark

2009-05-07T02:13:00.001Z

Enough already! Rain, you are killing me.

I keep humming the theme to “Annie” but it is not working.

I am gathering animals two by two. Needed second emu.

If not available, please send sun!

Dear Mr. Squirrel(s):

2009-04-26T22:16:00.001Z

Spring is here. I have filled the 2 bird feeders on the deck and you are more than welcome to graze on them until your feeder arrives. Yes, you read that correctly. I have bought you and your furry friends you own feeders.

Nothing makes me happier than sitting on my deck watching the birds and you and your compatriots frolicking and feeding. I draw the line at your destroying the flower boxes and eating my tomatoes and herbs. I beseech you to keep away from the foliage and vegetables.

You have one week to get your act together. Otherwise, I will be dousing the flower boxes and herb and veggie garden with capsaicin powder. With my luck, you’ll use the tomatoes and herbs and make one spicy batch of salsa.

If I have to build chicken coops around everything, I will. Don’t make me count to three!

Hugs and Kisses

Wicked

Kismet

2009-04-17T00:00:00.001Z

The Principles of Proper Grammar

2009-04-13T16:15:00.003Z

(This was passed on to me. After I fell off my chair from the laughter, I decided to share - enjoy!)

On his 66th birthday, a gentleman got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being
persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that,
you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can
perform as long as you want."

He was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded."But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

Dear Department Store Portrait Photographer:

2009-03-29T22:28:00.001Z

I use the term photographer very loosely. I am sure that you have been trained in some capacity to arrange a multi-generational family in order to snap a few photos. Although, after our session today, perhaps you are a product of the employment down turn and this is your interim job.

In case you missed the training or it was above or beneath you, I am going to give you a few pointers. Like it or not, you are in a Customer Service business. Would it have killed you to demonstrate of modicum of pleasantness? Your constant scowl was more than a little off putting. Our family consists of three generations ranging in age from 2 through 84. Asking my parents to straddle a coupe of pieces of styrofoam was crossing the line. Luckily Maternal Countessa did not allow them to even attempt the pose. After that, things went downhill.

It is no wonder that the pictures you presented us with were less than par. There were 9 of us in the portrait. Between you asking me to kneel in a very uncomfortable and awkward position and then asking us to wave frantically at some sensor above our heads to get your flash to work, it was quite difficult to agree upon any pictures. To be honest, I only agreed to the one so that our ordeal could end quicker.

This picture far outshines the one we purchased:

I wonder who took their photo?

Maybe next year we will do more research and find a photographer that will a) actually enjoy their work and b) their enjoyment will rub off on us.

Love and Kisses - Wicked

Change is Good

2009-03-22T19:48:00.002Z

I spent this weekend packing, moving and unpacking my office. In the soon to be seven years working for this company, I have moved locations a grand total of 5 times.

This time I had a team of 7 moving with me. Previously, it has always been just me moving; we have since grown. I have the procedure down to a science; my team mates were struggling. I now posses a sweet corner office with a panoramic view of Lord & Taylor at Fair Oaks Mall and a birds eye view of Route 50. If you are a local reader and ever need a traffic update, just let me know. My team mates are so thrilled to be in such close proximity to a Mall. I, being allergic to shopping, am not that impressed.

I am simply happy for two things; 1) my own office and 2) to continue my employment with a company who is in a growth spurt.

Change is good. Change is inevitable. In our case, for now, change is security.

Laughter, Always the Best Prescription

2009-03-17T21:45:00.001Z

Physicians' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package:

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pis$ed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the as$holes in Washington.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2009-03-10T23:39:00.000Z

Recently it was my turn to be supportive of my older sister the Brain Surgeon. As life does, it threw her a slight curve and she had to take the role of patient. No need to panic, all is well.

While waiting for my sister to get through her minor surgical procedure, I had the displeasure of sharing the Ambulatory Surgery Center waiting room with one other person. We all deal with stress in different ways. Suffice it to say that the gentleman in the waiting room deals with stress by remaining connected. Who needs three cell phones? Seriously! This guy had one blue tooth dangling off his ear, one on his belt and the other in his hand. I thought the folks in NYC were terrific multi taskers until I spent two quality hours with Mr. Connected.

Not only was he able to conduct three simultaneous phone conversations he was also able to follow his stories on TV. So much so that during key scenes of One Life to Live and General Hospital he was able to stop his conference calls temporarily and focus on plot lines.

He was able to solve the following problems during his wait:

* Arranged child care for the baby
* Line up 8 detail jobs across the bridge(Bay Bridge) which would earn him $500 each
* Give one of his family members incorrect directions to the Surgery Center
* Use his pocket knife to clean his nails
* Continue to give wrong directions to the Surgery Center
* Figured out who attacked the female character on the stretcher on One Life to Live
* Gave up on directions and handed one of the cell phones to the receptionist who guided the family member to the Center
* Received a recipe for soup from one call; simple soup - chicken necks simmered in water
* Attempted and failed to help someone with homework, “wait for your Mama to get home”

Oy! I was exhausted just listening to him. Although he was a great distraction.

Mother Nature Goes Through Menopause

2009-03-02T13:08:00.001Z

See this?

Friday it was 70 degrees here!

My office never closes for weather, today is the first time.

Thank you Mother Nature!!

Most Excellent Adventure!

2009-02-27T21:30:00.000Z

What do you do when your good friend lets you know her husband is out of town for the weekend and she does not want to stay home? You jokingly suggest a road trip and she agrees!

Since we did not come up with this epiphany until late last night, we are simply hitting the road and wherever we end up will begin the adventure. It goes without saying that the martini back pack is at the ready and we both decided to bring an overnight bag just in case.

Check, check and double check.

Will give full report upon return. This is how we roll.

Have a great weekend, I know I will!

Ciao!

Marketing 101 ?

2009-02-17T00:16:00.001Z

Sign over a Gynecologists's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
At a Tire Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

Because Only Friends Know What is Best for You

2009-02-13T20:55:00.000Z

Look what I got for Valentine’s Day!!

The instructions are as follows:
Place your lucky grow toy in a large container of room temperature water. Your grow toy may take up to 10 days to grow completely; up to 600%

What more could I need???

Will show you what he looks like in 10 days.

Happy Valentine’s Day one and all!

Annoyances

2009-02-08T23:41:00.000Z

I am a firm believer that if you are contagious, you should stay at home and keep your germs to yourself. I do not understand those who show up to infect the rest of us with no regard for the better good. People, use your days off wisely. If I hear one more co-worker bemoan the PTO (paid time off) system of our workplace as the perfect excuse to spread the plague, someone is going to get hurt.

Our trip to New York was fabulous but I contracted the cold that was being spread by at least 5 co-workers. Once my health resumes and I get my work caught up, I will give you all the details.

If you catch this awful cold, guaifenesin is your friend. Take the maximum dose, ingest ibuprofin and acetaminophen alternately every four hours, lots of hot tea, rest and for the love of God, do not infect your workplace. Take the time off!!!!!

Stay well friends.

Start Spreading the News

2009-01-29T20:55:00.001Z

The sisters Wicked along with Lil Wicked are headed out to the Big Apple.

Originally we were going to take our Uncle who was visiting. Since his plans fell through, we decided why not? Our only concrete plans are the hotel reservations. We have no itinerary; these are the best trips. I am sure we will catch at least a couple of shows and of course much walking, sightseeing and great food.

The martini backpack is all stocked and ready to consume. You all have a great weekend. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. If you do, don’t forget to share.

See ya!

Potato, Potah-to....Dallas, Dulles

2009-01-25T16:00:00.002Z

Helpful hints from Wicked H:

If you have any family members planing to visit you from overseas, make sure that whoever is purchasing their plane tickets understands the intricacies between Dallas International Airport and Dulles International Airport. Trust me, we learned the hard way.

Despite being separated by oceans and living on separate continents, my family is very close. We take a visit from any member very seriously and with great joy. We were all ready to send out the welcoming committee to Dulles on Friday afternoon, my favorite Uncle was flying in for a month long visit. A week before, my elderly parents were in constant contact with him and the family overseas and reported the flight numbers to me as I was in charge of picking him up from Dulles.

It is a very long, drawn out story. The Reader’s Digest version is this; his final destination was Dallas International not Dulles International. The only silver lining in this story is that he realized the error while still in his home country rather than either Frankfurt Germany where he was to change planes towards the U.S. or even worse he was waiting in Dallas and we were waiting in Dulles. Due to the lack of his English language skills, his ailing health and elderly age, he chose to cancel the trip altogether.

I can’t say that I blame him, it doesn’t make us any less disappointed. My further helpful hint is to be very anal about reservations for such a trip. Triple check your airports before buying the ticket.

(The music by George Gershwin, the lyrics by Ira Gershwin)
You say eether and I say eyether,
You say neether and I say nyther;
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like potahto,
You like tomato and I like tomahto;
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!
Let's call the whole thing off!

8-6-7-5-3-0-9

2009-01-13T22:00:00.000Z

This was sent to me by my sister the brain surgeon:

Call this number (215)475-5083 It will provide a smile......no tricks involved

You think she is trying to tell me something?

National Theatre Intermission Decorum

2009-01-05T00:39:00.002Z

Dear Male Patrons of the Jan 4th Matinee Showing of West Side Story:

Perhaps it is the anxiousness caused by the recession. Although with a packed house, it’s hard to believe one exists.

I can be 100% honest when I tell you that when I JOKINGLY suggested that the 47 women in line to use the facilities storm the men’s room of the balcony level in an effort to move the process along, I did not think anyone would listen to me. I was horribly wrong.

It is with my sincerest apologies that my female fellow theatre goers took over your sacred room. When you gotta go, you just gotta go. I held out for the ladies room just to be clear.

I believe when the women started snapping their fingers and quietly hummed the Jets anthem, you guys lost the battle. Ooops. I promise to keep my opinions to myself, next time.

If you are in the area or the show will stop in your city, I highly recommend it. I would also suggest you getting a script for Detrol, then everyone attending can avoid the intermission debacles.

Hugs and Kisses - Wicked

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T00:20:00.000Z

I've never been one for resolutions. In 2009 my resolution will be to make none; less pressure. I will do my best to let the small stuff slide and enjoy each day to it's fullest.

That is why Martinis were invented my friends.

I toast you Internet:

Here's wishing you more happiness
Than all my words can tell,
Not just alone for New Years Eve
But for all the year as well.

This Greeting has Been Cleared by My Attorney

2008-12-24T17:30:00.003Z

(This has been posted by me before, we are in a recession!)

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:-

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Savior", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under United States Law.

Dated this 24th day of December two thousand and eight.

Fa La La La La La La La Laaaaaaaaa

2008-12-22T23:54:00.001Z

This evenings conversation between my good friend, the Pet Whisperer and I:

Pet Whisperer: (who routinely calls me while commuting back from work) As soon as I get home, I need to make the DAMN cookies.

Wicked: Geez, what kind of cookies are you going to make?

Pet Whisperer: Pinwheels!!!!

Wicked: Can’t you just make drop cookies like the rest of us?

Pet Whisperer: They are my husband and son’s favorites!

Wicked: Surely there is a bakery that we can buy them from. I will do the leg work, seriously.

Pet Whisperer: It won’t be the same.

Wicked: Oh my God. Who told you to make it a Martha Stewart Christmas?

I am still hoping that perhaps her cell phone simply dropped the call. I really think she hung up on me.

Shoe Pocalypse

2008-12-17T00:12:00.000Z

Tis the season for hilarity.

If nothing else, the ole boy can dodge a pair of shoes.

His legacy has been formed.

The Real Story Behind Why Angels Top the Tree

2008-12-11T17:30:00.000Z

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Let the Reindeer Games Begin

2008-12-03T22:50:00.003Z

May also be known as winter snorkeling......

Alcohol may have been involved.

(Crazy times at work kids, doing my best to keep my head above water. May try the snorkeling trick soon)

Over the River and Through the Woods

2008-11-25T00:04:00.001Z

As Thanksgiving begins the season of heightened family drama, I would like for you to keep this one in your arsenal. When things are getting tense and you are on the verge of hurling the gravy boat at your sibling, think of the Parrot Story.

An oldie but a goodie.....

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving.

Let the holiday craziness begin.

He’s Sharted and He Can’t Get Up!

2008-11-12T22:49:00.000Z

If you’ve visited this site previously, you know that know that my family endures hysterical scenarios. I would be remiss, if I didn’t share, right?

It seems my father had an incident recently. The parental units took B-I-L #1 and family out for his birthday dinner. A good time was had by all. Fast forward to later that evening.

My father had what he assumed was a minor attack of flatulence. It happens to the best of us. Since he was alone in that part of the house, my mother had long since ascended to her bedroom, he decided to let the gas escape. During mid-release, he realized that air was not the only passenger.

He decided to use his 83 year old body, to “sprint” to his master bath and hopefully make it to the restroom in time. Since my father was never a runner and due to his advanced age and various obstacles such as throw rugs in the foyer en route to the master bath, his race was not too successful.

He managed to hurdle the first throw rug but his slipper got caught on the second rug and down he went. Yes, my father took a header into the door jamb of his bedroom. Sharting himself to oblivion.

After he cleaned himself up, he decided it was a good idea to wake my mother and let her know what happened. I can’t recall what her response was because by that time I was choking on my own sputum from the howls of laughter emanating from my being.

He is quite lucky. His glasses broke and scraped his face, he may have needed stitches but was too stubborn to go and get treated. Thank goodness he didn’t break a hip, undue all that was done during his back surgery or any number of worse things that could have happened.

When I asked him why he didn’t just duck into the powder room that was closest to him during his crisis, he replied “I didn’t want to mess up that bathroom.”

Folks, I wish I could make this stuff up. I may pitch this new slogan to the Lifeline people: “I’ve sharted and I can’t get up!”

YES. WE. CAN.

2008-11-05T10:47:00.001Z

Well played America. Well played.

Proud to be an American!

This is a Competition, Please No Wagering

2008-11-03T00:00:00.001Z

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past year, you must have heard that election day is Tuesday November 4th. This means nothing for any of you living outside the US; or does it?

I have heard many express that they wished the elections were over already. They are tired of all the propaganda on TV, radio, internet, telephone, carrier pigeon - all of it. I couldn’t agree more. However I don’t want that to deter you from making your way to the voting booth.

I am not here to preach to you about any particular candidate. My only goal with this post is to remind you to get out and vote. It is every American’s civic duty and privilege, why waste your voice? Take part in this historical decision that will affect your life and the lives of those in the future.

Practice patience, bring your ID or voter registration card, take another voter with you and Vote.

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me*

2008-11-01T15:19:00.001Z

It was the one and only thing we were actually saving. Now we must give that back too.

It’s all going to Hell in a handbasket. (What exactly does that mean?)

This time change always throws off my internal clock. I head to work at o dark thirty as it is; I suppose it will now be o darker thirty? I am so confused!

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back this evening.

*Name that tune.

Jack and Friends on a Bender

2008-10-30T20:21:00.001Z

Happy Halloween!!!

That is How We Roll

2008-10-21T23:37:00.001Z

Best line spoken by Lil Wicked during our scrabble game this past weekend.

“ Don’t know what it means. BUT, it is a valid word!”

True that!

Who can argue with that kind of thirteen year old conviction? With it, she won the game.

Well played, Lil Wicked. Well played!!!

Random Acts of Tagness

2008-10-19T22:05:00.001Z

T2ed, who apparently is too stubborn to call the Dog Whisperer, has tagged me. Since I understand what it is like to be beaten by pups, I shall indulge him.

Who knew random came in sevens? There may be a quiz requiring a number two pencil. It may behoove you to pay attention.

1) I was raised to be afraid of doctors. (Considering the fact that my own Dad is a physician I always felt this tactic was odd.) The only time I would have to go to my pediatrician was for immunizations. All other normal childhood ailments my Dad would treat. When I was misbehaving, my Mom would threaten me with a visit to the doctor for a shot. I hated shots. It got to the point of me diving under the dining room table when Mom tried to get me to my scheduled pediatrician visits. Luckily for me, I had a wonderful doctor. He was pretty smart too, he taught me to be afraid of the nurses with the needles and not him. Brilliant!

2) If you are a solicitor, you’d be wise to not knock on my door. My home is my sanctuary. The last thing I want in an unwanted visit from a salesperson or Jehovah’s Witness. The last time I slipped and answered the door on a weekend, I was greeted by 2 persistent Jehovah’s Witnesses. They would not leave so that I could close my door. So I told them that I would be happy to listen to their spiel if they didn’t mind coming in while I sacrificed a Christian. Amazing how fast they flew down the front steps. Come to think of it, they’ve never knocked since.

3) I am an avid dog lover. However, the loss of my golden retriever is still so very painful that I don’t think I will ever get another dog. Dexter and I had 13 wonderful years together but I will never forget the pain I felt the day I had to take him to be put down. I know many of us have had terrific pets/furry children in our lives but he can never be replaced. Also I don’t think I have the emotional strength to ever have to go through losing a pet in that way again. Maybe I am a coward.

4) Although I am getting much better, I am a holder of grudges. I have a very high tolerance for bullshit. However, if you purposefully hurt me, you are done. I will not waste the time with useless confrontations, I will simply hit the delete button. Poof, you will exit my radar for good. There are plenty of great radar blips that I refuse to scramble the signals with the bad.

5) When I was seven years old, my younger sister was born. My parents were not necessarily planning this third child which might explain why we had a 4 month old puppy when she was born. The puppy was extremely jealous of the baby and my Mom decided we had to give the puppy away. I was devastated; not only was I not the youngest but the baby was the reason the puppy was departing. In retaliation, when she was six months old, I attempted to throw my baby sister into the trash. She was minding her own business in her playpen when I took her out and tried stuffing her into the tiny trash can in my bedroom. She looked like a Jack-in-the-Box, so I quietly returned her to the playpen. I did not admit to this until I was 18.

6) I may be one of a very few females who dislikes shopping. Let me clarify, I dislike shopping in stores. I love the ease and comfort of pointing and clicking my way to bargains and treasures online. The thought of spending my cherished free (non-working) time fighting someone over a parking space or playing bumper carts in a grocery store, sucks the life right out of me. Those of you, which includes both my sisters and Mom, who find solace in shopping, kudos to you. I simply do not find anything relaxing about the whole ordeal.

7) Laughter is the best medicine and the first line of defense. Lets face it, these days if you can’t find anything to laugh at, stay away from building with more than fifteen stories or loaded firearms. I make sure I enjoy a hearty belly laugh at least once a day, more like once an hour. I am known as the spirit lifter at work. I am frequently called upon to make someone laugh. Laughter comes easier when you learn how not to sweat the small stuff.

Whew! Okay, you can all relax. That was cathartic. I won’t tag anyone. However, if you’d like to randomize, drop me a line in the comments and I will gladly come by and read.

The quiz is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon; good luck.

Wii-Tard!

2008-10-11T17:03:00.002Z

Okay. I have repeatedly admitted that I am very slow on the uptake when it comes to technology. I did not need to touch a computer until my early thirties; this should explain a lot.

So, for my birthday I received the Wii. I have attempted to play before with my niece who probably burned more calories laughing her ass off watching me fail miserably. What are Aunts for? Right Lil Wicked?

I am happy to announce that hooking up the contraption was very easy. I conquered making a Mii, I even named her Wicked H. All this with no help, I’ve come a long way baby!

I inserted the sports game disc, managed to bowl with no problems. Tennis, not so much. I tried and tried, the best I could do was serve. As for returning the ball either it bounced twice and the crowd booed or I hit the spectators square in the head. I think I should earn a quarter point for at least that, seriously. Can you all do that?

I just got off the phone with Lil Wicked. She may have a stitch in her side from the uproarious laughter. Apparently one needs no button while playing tennis. The fine folks at Wii do not mention this. Why is that?

In any case, I am off to conquer tennis with my condom encased Wii remote. Something Lil Wicked’s does not have.

Ha!

Rhymes with Sporty Clicks

2008-10-04T00:30:00.002Z

What can I say? They say your mind is the first thing to go.

Wait, I think the first thing to take a hike is the elasticity of your skin. Or is it the eye sight?

The explosion of grey hair and not just on your scalp. The onset of many wrinkles, hot flashes, creaking joints; the list goes on forever.

Wisdom? Yes. There is the silver lining. With age comes wisdom.

Don’t believe a word of it!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Thank you Redskins - icing on my cake!

How Healthy is Your Liver?

2008-10-02T21:39:00.001Z

I ask because I propose a drinking game for tonight’s Vice Presidential Debate. I propose that we throw back a shot each time Palin makes a wacky comment.

We will all be blitzed after ten minutes, 15 tops.

Who is with me?

Ding, Dong the Troll is Almost Gone

2008-10-01T22:44:00.001Z

Oh happy day! Remember this?

Well her last day is this Friday. The stars aligned and she found another establishment in which to wreak havoc.

Imagine my surprise when a few co-workers asked me what I would be bringing to the pot luck lunch in the Troll’s honor. I explained the lesson my Mother taught me, if you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet. This same platitude rings true for impromptu pot lucks for trolls.

While my office mates will be chowing down with the departing trouble maker, I will proudly display my new found button.

If anyone of you needs one, feel free. I am nothing if not kind. To those who have not annoyed me.

Celebration!!!!!

2008-09-27T14:01:00.000Z

I am not creative enough to come up with a witty and pithy post about my two siblings’ birthday. Instead I will ask that you all join me in wishing them a very Happy Birthday.

Today is Brain Surgeon’s Birthday, my older sister. If someone had told me back when I was in my teens, during the time that she and I just did not get along, that we would develop a very strong friendship that no bond could break. I would not have believed them. I am so blessed to have her in my life in the many facets she represents for me and the rest of her family and many of her friends. Happy Birthday to you Brain Surgeon!!!!!

Also today, we must celebrate my adopted Big Brother’s birthday. Please join me in wishing Monty a.k.a. The CEO a very Happy Birthday. Monty has been a part of my life now for a few years and it is hard to describe the bond we have especially since we have not met in person. Believe me when I tell you it is strong and most important and valuable.

Happy birthday to both my siblings, Brain Surgeon and Monty. I wish you happiness today and ALL days!

Restorative Powers of the Tide

2008-09-21T20:11:00.000Z

My week at the beach was just what the doctor ordered. That is if I had consulted a physician. I tend to self diagnose and medicate. On my imaginary RX was a week at the beach and I was a very compliant patient.

Back now with a renewed spirit and lingering cold, I am ready to tackle the grind. The weather was good, I had a few days of company followed by the requisite amount of solitude with the tide. Also, the Redskins won 2 games in a row.

Reality, bring it.

Pssssssst

2008-09-16T20:02:00.003Z

Hey just because I am away doesn’t mean you are not in my thoughts.

How you all are? My tall friend is making sure all is well.

Having a great time, glad I am not there. Salutations from the Beach.

Vacation!

2008-09-13T00:00:00.000Z

We all have different definitions of a perfect vacation. This picture adequately represents mine. I am off to rest, relax and re-charge. I honestly did not think I would make it.

I am depending on all of you to behave yourselves during my absence. If you have to be bad, make me proud. Don’t do anything I would not do. That gives you all a very wide berth. You’re welcome.

See you soon......

We Look to the Future Knowing We Can Never Forget the Past

2008-09-11T00:00:00.001Z

The World And Its Soul (Part II)
Allen Jesson

I have been blessed and cursed with perception,
because I can see what life has in store,
and my dreams of eternal peace,
seemed to have been dashed for ever more.

I have this dreadful feeling,
that we, as one, are on the edge,
and peace to you my fellow man,
is what I really want to pledge.

But how can life carry on?
With this cancer held within?
Without freedom of speech and movement,
where on Earth can you begin?

And when I think of the children,
from new born to troubled teenage,
how do we love them on the one hand,
and contain this burning rage?

I keep trying to look for the positives,
and look for hope on the other side,
but then I cry me a river,
and gee, how I've cried.

And hope springs eternal,
and may these days into history fade,
and may we all be very proud,
be proud of the roles that we've played.

We all still have that hate and anger,
but we need to temper that callous steel,
we need to look at our family,
and think of how others might feel.

Retribution won't be denied,
but we need to dilute with common sense,
we need the world to survive,
we still need our children's innocence.

Love is stronger than hate,
and love and justice will prevail, and I hope our children's children,
learn from and live to tell this tale.

So, I am still bitter,
and angry on a whole,
but we need to rebuild, not destroy,
the World and it's Soul.